2. Poem of My Birthday in 2009

Looking back seeing all my past life,
evaluating my failures and successes,
I know no regret useful for now,
the wise step would be to learn things from the past.

Let me fix the present time,
for present is current,
in which I can act,
not to repeat the old failures,
but to seek a new learning experiences.

For the oncoming future I can not foresee,
but to have a best plan I should,
that needs to be prepared,
not only for the glory of myself,
but to the glory of GOD first…
and to be a blessing for others also.

Retired Navy Admiral

A retired Navy admiral, my father began a second career working in a bank. One morning, while he prepared his desk for the day, he was approached by a young officer from the nearby Naval base. “Sorry, but this department isn’t open yet,” Dad said.

“But it’s nine o’clock!” protested the officer.

My father didn’t look at his watch. Instead, he surveyed his customer’s uniform. “Ensign,” he snapped, “I’ll decide when it’s nine o’clock!”

-Susan N. Bolinger

Wearied Mother

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived with my eight siblings and me – all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief.

“Ma’am,” he said, “do all these children and all this luggage belong to you?”

“Yes, sir,” my mother said with a sigh. “They’re all mine.”

The customs agent began his interrogation: “Ma’am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?”

“Sir,” she calmly answered, “if I’d had any of those items, I would have used them by now.”

The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.

-Mary E. Levy

1. Follow Thee To The Eternity

Desperation is overrated while obedience is underrated, the trait of me…

to be exasperated is not why I follow THEE.

But to have faith in HIM, I must endure what pain that comes to me,

for following HIM is not an easy way out of all earthly miseries.

I am chosen not to sulk or be enraged,

but to experience joy in HIM,

which include happiness and sorrow, learning to be like THEE.

Having to be like Christ is the right path for chosen ones,

to follow THEE unto Eternity.

Country-and-western Song Played Backward

Do you know what you get when you play a country-and-western song backward?

You get your job back, you get your house back, your wife back, your truck back…

-Quoted on “America’s Funniest People,” ABC

Car Memorial Service

A guy brought his ancient car to the service station for the sixth time in a month. “We’ve done everything we could,” the mechanic told him. “Now all we can do is offer a brief memorial service for $50.”

-Joey Adams

Love à la Doraemon

Illustration belongs to etc..net

Love…

shouldn’t be like NOBITA, being such a crybaby and tends to give up,

shouldn’t also be weak like SHIZUKA,

is unlike GIANT, who is too emotional and temperamental, and

is also not arrogant like SUNEO.

But love should be like DORAEMON, which is full of miracles everyday.

-quote RFR

On-Execution Prisoner Silliness

Three death-sentenced prisoners are about to be executed by the firing squad team:

Henry was placed in front of the firing squad, and just before the order to shoot was given, he yelled out, “Earthquake!” Everyone panicked. In the confusion, Henry jumped over the wall and escaped.

Charlie was next, and while the squad reassembled, he pondered what Henry had done. Before they could shoot, he shouted, “Tornado!” Again, the squad scattered and Charlie slipped away to safety.

Last in line was George. He thought, I see the pattern here. Just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall.
As the firing squad raised their rifles and took aim, George grinned smugly and yelled, “Fire!”

-unknown source

Devil’s Sister

LEENA WAS TIRED of her husband coming home drunk and decided to scare him straight. One night, she put on a devil costume and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband walked by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail and pitchfork.

“Who are you?” he slurred.

“I’m the devil,” she answered.

“Well, come home with me,” he said, “I married your sister.”

Female Devil Costume

-unknown source

Dual Idiots

Some friends rented a boat and went fishing on a lake. After they’d caught their fill and were heading back to the dock, one guy asked, “Did you mark the spot where we got all these fish?”

“Of course,” his friend said. “I put a big white X on the side of the boat where we caught them.”

“You idiot!” the first guy yelled. “What makes you think we can get this boat tomorrow?”

-Donna Bradley

Tickets Mishap

A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter. As they approached the line, the husband glance at the pile of luggage and said to his wife, “Why didn’t you bring the piano too?”

“Are you trying to be funny?” she replied.

“No,” he sighed. “I left the tickets on it.”

-Phil Hartman in The Ohio Motorist

27 Years Of Plain Innocence

“Osborne,” said the duchess to a household employee, “how long have you been with us? According to my records, you were employed to look after the dog.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Mrs. Bellamy tells me the dog died twenty-seven years ago.”

“Yes, ma’am. What would you like me to do now?”

-James Unger, Universal Press Syndicate

Not A Weatherman

AN OUTRAGED TENANT complained:

“My roof is leaking, rain is coming in through a broken window and the floors are flooded. How long is this going to continue?”

“How should I know?” said his landlord, “I’m not a weatherman.”

-Karen Poirier in Globe

Rain Rhyme

“The rain is not a pain, it’s just a weather going faint, to maim the main is to believe that the rain has no gain.”

HEADLINE Acts

Newspaper headlines are meant to grab attention of readers. Other times, they leave us scratching our heads.

 

“Priest in Fatal Crash Improves”

Lakeland (Florida) Ledger

“Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link”

Cornell Daily Sun

“Car, Hearse Collide: One Dead in Crash”

Raleigh News and Observer

What A Drag It Is Getting Old

With high-definition TV, everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your twenty-fifth high school reunion.

-Jay Leno

At a certain age, a Speedo becomes a Spee-don’t.

-John (Ted Danson), of “Becker” (CBS)

If At First You Don’t Succeed… Give It To A Kid

Is it possible to improve upon the classics? A Year One teacher reportedly handed her class the first part of well-known proverbs and asked them to fill in the rest. The result – some of the new ones make more sense than the original versions.

Don’t bite the hand that… looks dirty.

You can’t teach an old dog new… maths.

If you lie down with dogs, you’ll… stink in the morning.

A penny saved is… not much.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you; cry and… you have to blow your nose.

Children should be seen and not… grounded.

It’s always darkest before… daylight-savings time.

When the blind leadeth the blind… get out of the way.

-C. Bozarth

 

A Man, A Bear and GOD’s Way

A man is about to be savaged by an enormous bear. Terrified, he cries out, “GOD, help me.”

A bright light appears in the sky and a voice booms, “Why would I help you when you’ve led a wicked life and never even believed in me?”

“I know, I’m sorry,” says the man. “But I promise that I’ll become a Christian if you save me.”

“No,” says God. “It’s too late for you to change now.”

“Well, could you at least make the bear a Christian?” begs the man.

“Fair enough,” God replies.

The bright light disappears and the man notices the bear has fallen to its knees. Then it puts its paws together and says, “For what we are about to receive…”

-Brenda Smith

The Point Is…

A Police officer pulls over this guy and says, “Sir, I need you to breathe into this Breathalyzer for me.”

The man says, “Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. You see, I’m asthmatic and if I blow too hard, I’ll have an asthma attack.”

“OK, then I’ll need you to come down to the station with me, and I’ll have to take some blood – just to make sure.”

“Sir, I can’t do that either. I’m a hemophiliac and if I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”

“OK, fine. Then I need a urine sample from you.”

“I can’t do that either, sir. I’m sorry, but I’m a diabetic and if I do that, my blood sugar will get really, really low.”

“OK, then why don’t you step out of the car and walk this white line for me,” the officer says.

“I can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m drunk.”

-Ruben Quezada

What A Captain

The Captain and his crew were far from port when they saw pirates heading for their ship. The worried crew fell silent. But their captain stood tall and bellowed to his first mate, “Bring me my red shirt.”

When the first mate returned, the captain donned the shirt and led his crew into battle. The pirates were roundly defeated.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that two pirate ships were heading their way. The captain, calm as ever, called for his red shirt and with his crew fought off the pirates.

Weary from battle, the sailors were sitting around the deck that evening recounting the day’s fighting when an ensign turned to the captain and asked, “Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?”

The captain explained, “If I am wounded, the red shirt won’t show the blood and you men will continue to fight unafraid.” The men sat in silence, amazed at his courage.

As dawn came the following morning, the lookout yelled that ten pirate ships were heading towards them, The men fell silent and turned to their captain for his usual command. Calm as ever, he bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants.”

-Bilal Ifran, Pakistan

Quickest Way

Hopelessly lost, the man pulled his car into an abandoned petrol station in the desert and got out. The only creature there was an owl sitting on a cactus. “Owl, are you able to tell me the quickest way to town?”

“Are you walking of driving?” asked the wise owl.

“I’m driving.”

“Well, that’s the quickest way.”

-Pam d’Arcey

Descendant or Descendent?

Do not confuse the spelling of descendant and descendent, which sound similar. Descendant is the only spelling of the noun, denoting somebody or something related to an ancestor, or something based on an earlier thing. Descendent is the usual spelling of the adjective, which means “going downward.”

<taken from Microsoft Encarta Dictionary>
Microsoft® Encarta® 2009. © 1993-2008 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

Conviction or Persuasion?

Conviction is “a firmly held belief” and “firmness of belief”: It is my conviction [not persuasion] that the defendant newspaper’s First Amendment rights have been violated.I say this with total conviction [not persuasion]: we are headed for a recession.
Persuasion is “the act or ability to get someone else to accept your opinion, belief, or viewpoint,” “a set of beliefs,” and “a group of people with particular beliefs,” as in: She used great persuasion in conveying her position to the voters; a politician of the conservative persuasion.

<taken from Microsoft Encarta Dictionary>

Microsoft® Encarta® 2009. © 1993-2008 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

Brief Assignment

When my husband was attending a night-school English class, his teacher announced, “For your assignment, I want you to describe yourselves in ten words or fewer.”

My husband wrote, “Succinct.”

-Sherry Entrekin

P.S.: Succinct means brief and to point, expressed with brevity and clarity, with no wasted words.

Curious Boy In A Funeral

While driving my two young sons to a funeral, I tried to prepare them by talking about burial and what we believe happens after death. The boys behaved well during the long service, but at the grave site I discovered my explanations weren’t as thorough as I’d initially thought. In a loud voice, my four-year-old asked, “Mum, what’s in the box?”

-Ginny Richards