Somebody With Skin

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To help our four-year-old daughter overcome her fear of the dark, her father and I always reassured her at bedtime that God is always watching over her. One night after I had gone to bed, I felt a soft tap on my shoulder. “Mommy,” a familiar voice spoke up, “I know God’s in there with me, but I need somebody with skin.”

    -Contributed by Ann Gilbert

“Keynote Speaker”

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As the keynote speaker at an Olympic fund-raiser, a politician told his speechwriter to prepare something upbeat and motivational. Glancing quickly at the text the morning of the address, the politician bellowed, “What kind of nonsense is this? You want me to open my remarks with ‘Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh’?”

“Sir,” replied the aide, “I think you’re reading the Olympic symbol.”

-The Jokesmith

The Doctor and The Nun

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The doctor’s receptionist was startled when a nun stormed out of the examining room and left without paying. When the doctor appeared, she asked what had happened.

“Well,” said the doctor, “I examined her and told her she was pregnant.”

“Doctor!” exclaimed the receptionist. “That can’t be!”

“Of course not,” he replied. “But it sure cured her hiccups.”

-Contributed by James Cheng

Anything to Offer The Court

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Judge to defendant: “Have you anything to offer the court before sentence is passed on you?”

Defendant: “No, Your Honor. My lawyer took my last dollar.”

-Joey Adams

Baseball Challenge

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The Devil challenged St. Peter to a baseball game. “How can you win?” St. Peter asked. “All the famous ballplayers are up here.”
“How can I lose?” retorted Satan. “All the umpires are down here.”

Bob Phillips, The Best of the Good Clean Jokes (Harvest House)

Another 50 Years

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“Do you think I’ll live another 50 years, Doc?” asked a patient.

“How old are you now?”

“Forty.”

“Do you drink, gamble or chase women?”

“No,” the man answered. “I don’t drink, I never gamble, and I detest women. In fact, I don’t have any vices at all.”

“Why then,” the doctor retorted, “do you want to live another 50 years?”

-Contributed by H. B. McClung

Dating The Wrong Guy

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You know you’re dating the wrong guy when your friend steals your boyfriend and all you can think is, “What does she see in him?”

Comic Sarah Blodgett

Light-bulb: Divorced Men

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Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Who cares? They never get the house anyway.

-Submitted by Elspeth McVie

Pray For My Hearing

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Sam shows up at a revival meeting, seeking help.

“I need you to pray for my hearing,” he tells the preacher.

The preacher puts his fingers on Sam’s ears and prays. When he’s done, he asks, “How’s your hearing now?”

“I don’t know,” says Sam. “I don’t go to court till next Tuesday.”

-Submitted by James Hoskin

Kia and Rolls-Royce

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A guy in a Kia pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce at a red light and asks, “Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?” The Rolls owner nods.

“So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?” The Rolls owner nods again. “Me too. What about a double bed?”

“No. Do you?” asks the Rolls guy.

“Yep.” The light turns, and the Kia takes off. Jealous, the Rolls guy heads to the Pimp My Rolls customizing shop and gets a double bet put in, then drives around until he finds the Kia parked on the side of the road. He raps on the window. “Guess what. I got a double bed put in my car too.”

The Kia owner peers out. “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!”

-Reader’s Digest May 2010

The Book Collector

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A rare-book collector met a guy who said he’d just thrown out an old Bible that had been packed away for generations. “Somebody named Gutten-something had printed it,” the man explained.

“Not Gutenberg!” gasped the book lover. “You’ve just thrown away  one of the most famous books ever printed. One copy recently sold at auction for over $4 million!”

The other man was still unmoved. “My copy wouldn’t have brought a dime,” he said. “Some guy named Martin Luther scribbled notes all over it.”

-Tal D. Bonham, The Treasury of Clean Jokes (Broadman)

Know How To Pray

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As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”

One man stepped forward. “Aye, Captain, I know how to pray.”

“Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets — we’re one short.”

-Dale Radke, quoted by Alex Thien in Milwaukee Sentinel.

Surprise Tour and A Lazy Young Man

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The owner of a manufacturing plant decided to make a surprise tour of the shop. Walking through the warehouse, he noticed a young man lazily leaning against a packing crate. “Just how much are you being paid a week?” the boss angrily asked him.

“A hundred bucks,” answered the lounging guy.

The boss pulled out his wallet and peeled off five $20 bills. “Here’s a week’s pay,” he shouted. “Now get out and don’t come back!”

Wordlessly, the young man stuffed the money into his pocket and took off. The warehouse manager, standing nearby, stared in amazement. “Tell me,” the boss said, “how long has that guy worked for us?”

“He didn’t work here,” replied his employee. “He was just delivering a package.”

-P. Reidy in Boy’s Life

Mr. Jones and the Young Man

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“Mr. Jones,” began the timid-looking young man, “er-ah, that is, can-er I, will you– “

“Why, yes, my boy, you may have her,” Jones cheerfully replied.

The young man gasped. “What’s that? Have whom?” he nervously asked.

“My daughter, of course,” answered Jones. “You want to marry her, don’t you?”

“Not really,” stammered the would-be suitor. “I just want to know if you could lend me $25.”

“Certainly not!” Jones exclaimed. “I hardly know you!”

-10,000 Jokes, Toasts and Stories, edited by Lewis and Faye Copeland (Doubleday)

Big Head

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“All the kids make fun of me,” the boy cried to his mother. “They say I have a big head.”

“Don’t listen to them,” his mother consoled. “You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes.”

“Where’s the shopping bag?”

“I haven’t got one — use your hat.”

-Joey Adams

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